No, kids, we're not playing with choo-choo trains, although most Studio Engineers will tell you this is an activity which is compatible with the mental age of most of the people they work with, (when asked for their opinion , in itself an occurrence which happens with the regularity of a solar eclipse).

If you really get turned on by twiddling knobs and your psyche is best described by the word 'boffin' , you might be thinking of a career as an Engineer. As usual in these pages, I'll do my best to disillusion you : One of the prerequisites for this torturous path is Rich Parents, because they will be your only serious means of support during your first four years. If you're 16-17 you might try a YTS scheme or Youth Opportunities training. If you are lucky enough to get a job at a studio, (about as easy as winning at roulette, but much less pleasant), you will generally start out as an "assistant", or as the British like to call them, "tape-op", an anachronism from the days when the assistant engineer would actually operate the tape. Nowadays, you will be spending most of your time buying cigarettes, or in the kitchen. I compassionately asked the superb engineer Mike Bigwood, "What does an assistant usually make ?" to which he replied instantly : "Tea." Studios are notoriously off-hand in their concept of remuneration, and an experienced assistant will generally make around £3 an hour for an 80-100 hour week, possibly more for overtime. And there will be LOTS of that. The word 'experience' is crucial and getting it isn't easy. In the Old Days, studios had House Engineers and Assistants were trained by them and eventually allowed 'hands on' experience of things like microphone placement, E.Q., use of effects such as compression, reverbs ,delays etc. Now this avuncular system has fallen victim to the recession and most studios can't afford to keep full-time House Engineers. Also, most producers take their own engineer along to whatever studio they happen to be working at, believing since most studios are similar, it's the guy at the wheel who makes the difference. So you'll be very lucky if any of the free-lance Superstar engineers take any time or trouble to teach you anything, except humility. They are too busy dealing with the neurotic behaviour of The Producer, The Artiste and The Musicians (more of these monsters later). So how do you learn? Well, you have to have the balls to ask "how does this work ?" or "what are we doing now ?" quietly, in a break, during a phone call. Be tactful. Don't interrupt the session. Another way is to ask the Maintenance Engineer for technical advice. Ask the Studio Manager for some 'down time' to PRACTICE recording. If you're not good at reading manuals, usually in Japanese, this isn't the job for you. Find some band who can't afford an engineer to let you do it. (For free, of course.) Work in home studios. (Gratis.) With determination, and an unhealthy disregard for you health, you will work your way up to the nadir of humiliation, being an ENGINEER. (Unpaid.) As for getting jobs, you've got to print CVs send them to producers, managers, managers of producers and engineers, and generally hustle. If you don't like hustling, try a job at McDonalds. A well known STUDIO JOKE : Q : What's the difference between a Sound Engineer and a Toilet ? A : Toilets only have to eat shit from one asshole at a time. Yes, I'm afraid you've worked diligently all those years to get your first real Engineering gig and, guess what, you're still the lowest guy on the totem pole! That's because you still have to deal with The Producer, The Artiste and The Musicians. Let's talk about these guys on the next page...

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